How to train your parents

To my fellow babies

There are hundreds of articles about us tiny creatures. Thousands, even. How to care for your baby, how to feed your baby, how to change your baby’s nappy. The list goes on… and on… and on. YAWN. Anyone else get tired and grumpy every 90 minutes? Glad it’s not just me.

What’s missing, in my expert opinion, are resources on how to care for your parents because, as we all know, they are Hard Work.

In between screaming for milk and refusing to nap, I’ve been busy writing a parents’ guide that covers everything from getting them in the routine you want to coping with their no-sleep stupidity. From one baby to another, I know how tough this can be to deal with - especially as they have the cheek to label it ‘baby brain’ - rude!

Without further ado, here’s my full guide to parents for us babies - who are clearly the ones really in charge:

Milk

I don’t expect a lot. I simply want my milk the same second I begin to ponder whether or not I’m hungry and not a moment later. I don’t like waiting at 3 am any more than I do at 3 pm and it matters not whether my mum is sleeping or grabbing a quick shower. When I decide I want milk, I DO NOT want to wait. 

Parents sometimes have ridiculous notions of feeding us babies at set times AND expecting us not to wake up every 25 minutes for a micro feed or to play throughout the night. This madness needs to be stomped out quickly, and the best way to do it is remain completely unpredictable at all times. Here’s how:

Usually wake for a feed at midnight? Make it 1130… and 1… and 145 just for the hell of it. Undecided between hunger and tiredness? Just demand milk anyway, it’s not like your parents have anything better to do, like eat a meal themselves, or go to the toilet…

Once you’ve made a clear mockery of their efforts to pigeonhole you, they should realise you’ll be the one to decide when you’re hungry thank you very much and will learn their lesson. We just need to be firm. 

Naps

I don’t like to criticise these parents of ours as I love mine and they have lots of redeeming qualities, but boy can they be boring. If I have to listen to my mum banging on once more about being up seven times in the night I’m going to scream… again. She talks about sleep like it’s the most important thing in the world and I want to say to her, ‘Hey, lady. I don’t sleep either, and look at me - I’m FINE.’ 

As babies, we’re wise enough to know sleep is vastly overrated, but the trick is teaching this to the parents. 

Similarly to feeds, parents have an annoying habit of trying to force us into a nap routine. But to this I say a resounding NO! Just because I’m yawning, rubbing my eyes and making a weird noise from the back of my throat it does not mean I want to sleep. It doesn’t matter if I’m fed, changed, cuddled and had my every need met, I have zero interest in closing my eyes and giving anyone a short break from openly adoring me. 

It can be tough to continually refuse sleep, so don’t worry if you occasionally give in, we’re only human. Just try and be as inconsistent as possible in the times you nod off, how long you sleep for and where you sleep. 

My parents have got about 6 different stations set-up for me to sleep in. I’ve heard them say how desperate they are many times, but the big joke is, the only time I’ll agree to rest my weary head is in their arms. Trying to gently slide me from your arms into my cot once I’m asleep, are you? You’re going to regret it, guys. Hell hath no fury like a tricked baby. We know… we always know. 

Undivided attention

Sometimes parents want to partake in these irritating hobbies called conversations. They bang on about how hard it can be to have an uninterrupted chat when, if they didn’t insist on continually trying, they wouldn’t wind up disappointed. 

Remember: conversations divert attention away from us, so it’s important we do everything in our power to stop them. My personal favourite methods are screaming, grabbing a chunk of hair (close to their scalp is ideal) or doing a well-timed poo, the smellier the better.

If you follow these simple but effective rules, I promise you’ll have your parents trained in a no-sleep, no-routine pattern in no time at all. They may look a bit broken and ill, but you and I both know it’s for their own good in the long run. 

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