Your baby's golden rulebook
We all have rules to live by. Admittedly, some of the ones grown ups get so bogged down in are just plain weird, but I don’t like to judge. We babies tend to have different priorities and guidelines by which we like to live, and all I’ll say is that ours are better. By far.
And while we’re nothing if not adaptable, we believe in adhering to the following commandments because we know they’re in everyone’s best interests. Well, perhaps not everyone’s. In our best interests would perhaps be more accurate. Because after all, this whole universe thing is all about us.
Introducing the ten commandments for babies
Read on, Mummy and Daddy, you might learn a thing or two.
- Thou shalt cry for no reason at all, whenever thy fancies. The only acceptable parental response to such crying is immediate cuddles and possibly milk, depending on thou mood.
- Thou shalt always choose a night when Mummy is exhausted to wake twice as much as usual.
- Thou shalt dazzle and charm said Mummy with beautiful wide-eyes smiles and giggles when thou senses she is getting seriously fed up of the multiple wakings.
- Thou shalt always insist on being fed or rocked to sleep, without exception. If thou is ever tricked into falling asleep another way, thou will do everything possible to ensure it NEVER happens again.
- Thou may choose to scream and cry when handed to someone else other than Mummy or Daddy for a cuddle. However, thou may also choose to scream and cry when handed back. Basically, keeping parents on their toes is what this commandment is really all about.
- Thou shalt not hesitate to release an explodapoo in the most inconvenient places, including (but not limited to) the car, the supermarket or any public place without a nearby toilet.
- Thou shall scream like a banshee or until actual foam appears at thy mouth anytime the words ‘self-settle’ ‘sleeping through’ or ‘long nap’ are uttered.
- Thou shall never refuse milk – even if thou is not hungry. Any excess can always be deposited on thy mummy’s clothed shoulder. That’s what it’s there for, after all.
- Thou shall occasionally get slightly over excited about something that’s arguably not very exciting at all. For example, giggling wildly at rain pattering on the window, or Mummy’s ridiculous looking bed head.
- Thou shalt allow self to be openly and endlessly adored by thy family. From limitless cuddles, attention and funny-face-pulling through to letting thy away with all manner of outrageous behaviours, because thou understands pretty much everything is ruled - and commanded - by thy.
Any questions? No? Off you go then, back to ensuring I’m placed entirely at the centre of your universe at all times thank you very much.
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